Dealing with Disclosure
Survivors will choose someone they trust to tell, it is important that you are able to respond appropriately if someone chooses you to disclose their abuse to.
Always remember that you could be the first person ever that the survivor has ever told this to, therefore, you need to be aware of your reactions. Remain calm, open and supportive, rather than shocked or disgusted because your reaction may make the person not want to continue talking with you or want to seek help.
For legal reasons it is best not to ask too many detailed questions about the abuse but check with them they are safe right now. Acknowledge positively what you have been told.
- “Thank you for telling me. This must have been difficult to talk about”.
- “It was brave of you to speak out about this.”
- “I am sorry to hear what you have been through.”
If someone has told you about this happening to them, it is because they trust you. Let them know it is good they have told someone and it is important that they receive ongoing support.
Your reactions are very important
RAASC specialises in this area and is best equipped to support the person following an abuse disclosure. Offer to come with them or they may allow you to contact us on their behalf.
Some guidelines on how to be a good support...
BELIEVE: They will be afraid that no one will believe them. They may be worried that they caused this to happen to them, or that you will think they are just after attention.
LISTEN: They may have kept it a secret for a long time. Rape and sexual abuse can be difficult to talk about and listening can be hard but it will help to validate their feelings.
DON’T BLAME: It is not their fault, survivors will often blame themselves for what happened. Let them know it was someone else’s choice to abuse them and they did not cause this to happen to them.
EMPOWER: Being raped means they have had power taken away from them. To help them regain control over their life it is important to let them make decisions about what they want to do and when and how they want to do it.
Myths and Realities
Myth: Rape is a crime committed by strangers jumping out of the bushes or dark alleys.
Reality: More than 80% of rapes are committed by people who knew the victim and they usually commit the crime in either the home of the victim or the perpetrator.
Myth: Women who don’t actually physically fight back have not been raped.
Reality: A woman may not fight back for many reasons, it may not be safe for her to do so, but this does not mean that if she does not fight back, a rape has not occurred, if she has not given her consent it is rape.
Myth: Women often lie about being raped to get revenge, for their own benefit or because they change their minds afterwards.
Reality: Only about 2% of rapes are false accusations. Most women do not lie about being raped - for any reason!
Myth: Men who rape are “psychos”.
Reality: Men who rape are mostly ordinary, everyday guys. Only a tiny percentage of men who rape could be considered clinically insane. The vast majority of men who rape are indistinguishable from your friends.
Myth: Acquaintance rapes are not as serious as stranger rapes.
Reality: Women who are raped by someone they know experience a similar degree of trauma as those raped by strangers. Some specific feelings may be different but not the severity of these feelings.
Myth: Women provoke the rape by the way they dress or flirt.
Reality: Nobody asks to be raped no matter how they are dressed or how they are acting. Rape is an expression of power and control. A man may try to justify his raping by pointing to the woman’s behaviour - but that is an excuse rather than a reason.
We can help
Every person has the inherent right to live a life free of violence. We are here for all Southlanders regardless of age race, religious or sexual preferences and financial circumstances.
Our friendly staff and volunteers are here to offer you and your family/whanau support on your journey to heal from either historical or recent sexual abuse. All our services are free and include, information and advice, support and if necessary a counselling service.
RAASC offers a friendly, confidential and culturally sensitive service. Our staff and volunteers have been trained to offer you and your families the support you need at this time. If we are unable to help you, we will offer suggestions of other agencies that may be able to assist you.
We accept referrals from all agencies, doctors, the police, friends etc. We understand the survivor may not want to talk to a lot of different people or agencies about their abuse or rape, so we also accept self referrals.